As a new mother, it is completely normal to feel overwhelmed. When I was
pregnant, I remember browsing through mommy forums that were filled with
concerns about developmental milestones, requests for help with disciplining, product suggestions,
and, yes, judgment from other parents.
The last thing a new mama wants as
she is picking up the countless new skills needed to succeed as a parent is
judgment from other mothers. Yet, criticism and disapproval seem to be some of
the easiest things for mothers to stumble across these days, whether others are
dishing it out face-to-face or from behind a computer screen.
When new mamas seek out advice
(and even when they don’t), positive and re-affirming counsel is often
overshadowed by hurtful remarks that can leave a lasting sting.
Of course, disagreements
among parents are natural. That is how we grow and learn as adults. However,
constructive techniques for asserting parenting opinions are often overlooked
for more negative tactics.
When giving (and receiving)
advice from other parents, it’s important to keep in mind that parenting values
vary from culture to culture and from family to family. As long as our children’s
well-being is kept in mind, there’s no right or wrong way to handle the many
challenges we mamas face on a daily basis.
Do some parenting practices have
better outcomes than others? Sure. But, there is usually an interaction between
parents’ strategies and their individual children.
For instance, guidelines
from the AAP recommend breastmilk for promoting optimal nutrition in infants.
But it is important to remember that these guidelines are based on averages.
In
some cases, children may have allergies to compounds found in breastmilk or may
need more than a mother is able to produce. In other cases, breastfeeding may
negatively impact the mother-child relationship by placing excessive strain on
the mother.
For some reason, though, having a
new baby seems to give others carte blanche on offering up unsolicited opinions,
judgment, and criticism…even when they aren’t familiar with our unique little
ones. The next time you find yourself in the midst of an unwanted critique,
refrain from putting your fingers in your ears and singing La La La! Instead,
try a few of these tips to combat the pressure!
Before you start to believe that you are doing everything wrong for your
child, remind
yourself that there is no such thing as a “perfect” parent.
Many of us strive for perfection, but as long as we are just trying our best to promote happy and healthy children, no one can
ask for more—and neither should you.
When someone is pushy with their
suggestions, politely draw a boundary and let
them know that you’re using the method that works best for you and your family.
“I appreciate the
suggestion. I’m so glad that baby-led weaning is working for your family. My
child really enjoys purees.”
It can be hard to stand up for your
choices as a mother, but it also feels sooooo good to assert your beliefs when
you feel the need.
This is a
two-sided coin. If you have a different parenting technique from another mama, try
to remember that the method that works so well for your little one may not work
for another child.
If raising children was black and white, things might be a
lot easier for parents…but they certainly wouldn’t be as interesting.
Find someone to confide in that can relate to your concerns. It could be your partner,
friend, or a family member you trust.
Sometimes venting our parenting
frustrations to supportive loved ones can remind us that we are doing the best
we can and that we aren’t alone in our struggles as new mothers.
If someone is kindly sharing their
thoughts or advice on parenting (even if you don’t agree), be cognizant
that their input is most
likely well-intentioned.
Especially when parents have children who are older
than yours, you might be surprised at how often you find yourself later
following the advice you once scoffed at.
Our own plans for how we will raise
our children can change drastically as our tots (and our parenting philosophy)
develop.
In any domain, be it parenting or otherwise, if
someone is unduly harsh in expressing their opinion, the most important thing to
remember is that it is likely more about them
than you.
Parenting choices are personal, so it can be hard not to take
criticism personally. But, if it riles you up, take a step back to calm down
before responding.
Better yet, take the high road and simply don’t respond at all!
No one
knows your situation as well as
you
and there is no need to explain
your parenting decisions to others.
No one has
all the answers. But, keep an open mind (and an open ear) and you might just
pick up a few useful solutions that will help you reach your parenting goals.
You may even pick up a few tidbits to share with other curious mothers along
your journey.
